浪跡天涯花一朵

i know it's really late now. but I just can't sleep.

why ? it seems my 老症頭 at weekends. I always stay up as possible at weekends but i can't sleep late even I want that. it's really strange.

Alrite, Chinese New Year is coming, in Korean way,they say it's Lunar New Year not so-called Chinese New Year. Wish my friends a happy Chinese New Year first.

Finally, I moved out from my aunt's place. that place within mouse and garbage. not only stuff is garbage but humanbeing also. It's a long long story to talk about the main reason makes me want to move out. The landlord is my aunt,my dad's cousin. She even calls my grandmom "mom" as some special relationship. I know she treats me very much. But I'm afraid that what she gives doesn't match I need. Am I too greed ? I only can say different family,different back ground, different thoughts.

I tried to inform my aunt's family about my moving months ago. however, it seems they don't think I'm serious until I gave back the key to my aunt on 30Jan08. It's really hard to tell my aunt the truth of moving. It's too complicated. Last Saturday, 26Jan08,I hired a mover to help me moving to the new place I shared with a friend. in the past days,I kept going back to my aunt's place to clean up. To throw garbage away, to sweep and mop the floor,to make the room I stayed as clean as possible. I don't wanna anyone talks behind me after my moving.

Relative is a serious loading to me. I think it would be more proper to say over loading. I enjoy being free and I respect other people's right. Therefore I don't involve their business and life. Even you want to get some solutions from me, my answer is always " that's your business i can't make a decision for you." only you know which way is the best 0ne to you. I am convinced that only your heart leads you to where you should go. But I offer and share some my thoughts with friends. It is because I think everyone has his own consicious to decide and choose your life style. I"m really tired of being paid too much unnecessary and selfish consideration. I can tell the real consideration and fake one. I'm seriously, I can.

Therefore, I choose to move to a new place and start another new life. And I will still keep the truth with me. I don't want to tell it to my parents because that might hurt the relationship between my parents and my aunt's family. I know sometimes I'm really emotinal but I'm really under control once things related to family and relatives.

Just like the summer 1998, I stayed in Taipei and stayed in an uncle's place. His son was in the army service so that I stayed at his room for 2 weeks. I know his wife is a stingy person. I went to work at 7:00 am and went back at 24:00. I washed my clothes by hand and ate nothing in their family. I knew I am only a visitor that I can't cause any inconvience to them. It was a big favor for them to let me stay at their place. I tried to skim my existance as minium bothering. 1 day, his daughter took me to her bedroom and said something strange, " you can stay with me, you know my mom is stingy." I stayed with her for a night and went to work as usual the next morning. That night, I was exhausted staying outside until 24:00, I went back earlier around 22:00. I had the key to their house. But it didn't work, the door was locked from inside by mean. Suddenly I realized somebody meant to stop me from entering the house. I stood outside for 3 minutes until my landlord aunt came to me, " it's late, come to my place to sleep." (my landlord aunt and the uncle are brother and sister of the same parents. they are neighbors also. but my landlord aunt is not good at doing the housework. The wife of my uncle is really good at housework. Uncle's house is always neat.) From that night, I didn't enter uncle's house anymore. I asked a cousin sister to stow away my luggage someday.  I said nothing to my parents. I know the relationship would be broken if I told anything. I absorbed that humanity privately until the winter 1998.

My cousin brother's wedding was held in winter in 1998. (He's from my landlord aunt.) My father and my grandmom came to the wedding from Kaohsiung. The next moring after the wedding, I went to work again. I tried to avoid any chance to be alone with my father. I guessed the uncle might talk to my father ," it's only a misunderstanding if you daughter says anything bad about me." Because of his 心虛。Of course my father was aware of something happened but he was not told by me. Therefore he wanted to know what happened. I stayed outside late almost 22:00 again. My father was still in Taipei, for me. My tears burst until that moment.

It's really late now. I think I'm talking to myself and talking too much. Good night.